.my story.
baby- yah im one. to many of those who know me back in high school, they probably wont say this to be true... because i brought myself up to be independent... independent but selfish. growing up, there was always this unsaid comparison between me and my older sister, i may have nursed this coz i wanted to be noticed... anyway... to free myself out of the pain of having a gymnast and smart older sister who most people compare me to, i didnt know it at that time, but i build up walls. walls as high as the great wall, and as cold as the berlin wall. i taught myself to be independent, thinking of what i want and need and shoving people off if they stop me from getting what i want. i was impatient and arrogant as a kid because one, i wanted to be noticed and second i have the "its all about me attitude" (since i didnt get that from home, i wanted other people to give it me.. constant need for attention.). i was carefree and played around with my friends from the neighborhood. but the thing is, i was still alone. i dont have stuff toys that i baptized with a name or action figures that i cared for... till high school i didnt learn how to treasure anything... though it is sometimes helpful not to be attached.. i cant help but feel i missed out on things... i didnt keep palanca letters, pictures, toys or gifts coz i didnt see the importance of having them in the future... again with the walls.. "they'll rot or be useless anyway..." or worst "they'll be gone someday best not to get attatched now..." yes, im ms. lonely. ms. lonely i have nobody... i only have a head... hahaha... comic relief... but, yah... i rarely use my heart and let myself feel.. head is the only thing i got. the emotions that sometimes purge out of me is distant by knowledge... no insight was gain because i was afraid of getting hurt and did not see things as they really are. never did i face the music.
since i was lonely, i think the only thing i prayed for was for someone that i could call mine... cliche... but true... one crucial mistake. i did have a boyfriend. build my walls around him until the time that giving myself was no longer an issue... the walls was still there but it wasnt strong enough to guard myself, i guess it wasnt meant to guard me from harm but to stop the things that will inhibiy me from having the things i most desired... and since i was immature and has a lot of emotional baggage, it didnt last long... good thing... it was around the time i was saved and realized how i missed CHRIST. coz you know God send us angels to protect us... <b>(Psalm 91:11 "for he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways")</b> and mine was my spiritual family... moreover, it was after campus harvest and being with people now my spiritual family for 3 days in baguio... shattered the walls away... i started crying but i dont know why, ( i didnt know of these till now, see lack of self-knowledge is dangerous...) that moment, i just knew and felt that i wanted to be there... you dont have to know all the answers before you step out in faith. <b> (proverbs 28: 13 "he who conceals his sin does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy")</b>
now... im all about HIM... i surrender myself to him and when i have nothing it is the time i have everything... <b> (acts 3: 14 " repent then and turn to God, so that you're sins may be wiped out that times of refreshing may come from christ the lord")</b> im becoming to have the best relationship with my parents, its not perfect or ideal but i tell you its a whole lot better.. im not bitter to my sisters now and... i have far more visions and dreams for myself and my family and friends! i learn to treasure "special things" (special dates, naming stuff animals, and pictures)... in addition to these, i learned that waiting for someone is not about finding that one person to complete you but to have someone to be added into your life as you both live the life that GOD wants you to have... but the best thing of all, i learned first hand that God do forgive and that His way is so much better. when i was at campus harvest (one big youth service to encourage people to follow Jesus), i was reminded that i can still be the best person i want to become no matter how big and shady my sin and past are... most of all... that what i want to become is just a part of Gods plans for me... isnt that comforting! you are all set. all we have to do is trust and be faithful to HIM... moreover, i realized that there isnt much a person can do to shatter me now, coz i already faced and realized the painful experiences i encountered as a child... God is preparing me... it aint walk in the park but at least you're not walking in a dark, demented and forbidden forest alone and unprotected. refreshing change!
since i was lonely, i think the only thing i prayed for was for someone that i could call mine... cliche... but true... one crucial mistake. i did have a boyfriend. build my walls around him until the time that giving myself was no longer an issue... the walls was still there but it wasnt strong enough to guard myself, i guess it wasnt meant to guard me from harm but to stop the things that will inhibiy me from having the things i most desired... and since i was immature and has a lot of emotional baggage, it didnt last long... good thing... it was around the time i was saved and realized how i missed CHRIST. coz you know God send us angels to protect us... <b>(Psalm 91:11 "for he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways")</b> and mine was my spiritual family... moreover, it was after campus harvest and being with people now my spiritual family for 3 days in baguio... shattered the walls away... i started crying but i dont know why, ( i didnt know of these till now, see lack of self-knowledge is dangerous...) that moment, i just knew and felt that i wanted to be there... you dont have to know all the answers before you step out in faith. <b> (proverbs 28: 13 "he who conceals his sin does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy")</b>
now... im all about HIM... i surrender myself to him and when i have nothing it is the time i have everything... <b> (acts 3: 14 " repent then and turn to God, so that you're sins may be wiped out that times of refreshing may come from christ the lord")</b> im becoming to have the best relationship with my parents, its not perfect or ideal but i tell you its a whole lot better.. im not bitter to my sisters now and... i have far more visions and dreams for myself and my family and friends! i learn to treasure "special things" (special dates, naming stuff animals, and pictures)... in addition to these, i learned that waiting for someone is not about finding that one person to complete you but to have someone to be added into your life as you both live the life that GOD wants you to have... but the best thing of all, i learned first hand that God do forgive and that His way is so much better. when i was at campus harvest (one big youth service to encourage people to follow Jesus), i was reminded that i can still be the best person i want to become no matter how big and shady my sin and past are... most of all... that what i want to become is just a part of Gods plans for me... isnt that comforting! you are all set. all we have to do is trust and be faithful to HIM... moreover, i realized that there isnt much a person can do to shatter me now, coz i already faced and realized the painful experiences i encountered as a child... God is preparing me... it aint walk in the park but at least you're not walking in a dark, demented and forbidden forest alone and unprotected. refreshing change!
Page created: February 17th 2005 10:03 PM
Page updated: May 1st 2005 03:54 PM